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Divorce: Is There Really a Cost?

By Jonathan M. Olford

Having spent the last 10 years working with distressed or failing marriages, I have come to realize that this malady is no respecter of persons. Many marriages are dysfunctional. While many couples voluntarily seek help, others have been sent for counseling, which sometimes creates resistance. For some couples, this help may come too late. They waited until the condition was severe enough that daily functioning was impeded and reversal was all but impossible. 

Divorce has become too easy, and many people are in denial concerning the problems surrounding divorce. As pastors, we must know the truth about divorce, because of the consequences and the hidden costs in divorce, and the fact no one emerges unimpaired from terminating a marriage. 

Most people acknowledge that there are costs to marital and family demolition, but based on my own experience, few understand the devastation of the divorce process. The early 1970's offered "no-fault divorce," and our quick fix, disposable society bought a bill of goods. 

Few would argue that immediate trauma in divorce is inevitable, but few recognize or acknowledge the intrinsic emotional and psychological effects of divorce. One study by divorce expert Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., professor of psychology at San Francisco State University, focused on the impact of divorce on women 40 and older. A study of these women who had been divorced 10 years revealed that half of them were being treated clinically for depression, and all of them either defined themselves or were observed to be moderately to severely lonely. 

  Men often seem to find it easier to enter into new relationships. This doesn't, however, imply they are happy, or that they have fully recovered. Of those men who divorce, 83 percent remarry, but 75 percent of those who remarry divorce a second time. And for most, this elusive search appears to haunt them for a lifetime.

Divorce Costs

Divorce costs financially. Economists Saul Hoffman and John Holmes studied married and divorced individuals income for 7 years. The results suggest that divorced men lost 19 percent in income over the 7-year span and divorced women lost 29 percent. According to their study, married couples, by contrast, often experienced as much as a 22 percent rise in income over the same period. These results are further supported by studies which indicate that some women's standard of living declined as much as 73 percent in the first year after their divorce. It is not difficult to understand why many women often describe feelings of hopelessness, ceaseless worry, and perpetual anxiety over finances after their divorce. 

Men face a similar challenge. If they accept their responsibility for child support, they often find themselves living, working, and sacrificing in the here-and-now to pay for their past.

Seven Stages of Divorce

Divorce is complicated and it is associated with pain and discomfort. Regardless of whether or not the split is an overt polarization or a more amicable atmosphere, all divorces tend to go through a 7-stage process. 

The first stage is the emotional divorce. This is the time of disengagement, loneliness, and detachment. At this time outside intervention is most likely to have a positive impact. This suggests that the couple should get help at the outset of marital problems. This, however, flies in the face of our independent, self-sufficient disposition. 

Phase two is the legal stage. This portion of the process may be managed by a mediator to avoid an adversarial atmosphere. This mediator may be a paralegal, or a divorce attorney who is also a part of the accompanying financial and emotional costs. 

The third stage is the financial or economic divorce. The financial divorce is not coterminus with the legal divorce. The legal divorce often establishes the ongoing necessity of financial bigamy. At least one, and possibly both adults, are financially responsible in some way for the ongoing welfare of the other. 

Next comes the coparenting and residential or living issues of the divorce. The best resolution to this inevitability is to ask, "What is the best parenting plan and living arrangement that might offer the child[ren] access to what was the best of both adults as individuals?" 

Stage five is the community/family divorce. This area necessitates the negotiation and decision-making process surrounding school selection, utilization of the pediatrician, dentist, parks, playgrounds, toys, and ultimately the need to almost create everything in duplicate. 

The religious divorce—the sixth stage—is quite difficult. Everyone wanted to come to the wedding, but the day of the divorce can be the loneliest day of this couple's lives. They are alone, angry, fearful, perhaps also experiencing relief, but scared, nevertheless. Faith offers great comfort, and in this time of need the ability to reach out to the only true Comforter and Prince of Peace offers peace. However, the reality of church attendance, small group involvement that was predicated on their involvement as a couple, all necessitate further negotiation and another significant area of divorce and separation. 

Finally, the seventh level is the psychological divorce. This typically occurs later when the divorced individuals acknowledge their readiness to "get back into life." This usually occurs after the children have made their adjustments, when property and financial settlements have all been finalized, and when they feel an internal sense of readiness to move on. 

There are many levels to divorce and it is not a simple process to understand. What is relatively consistent is that each level of divorce is painful, and it often does not go away. 

Psychologist Judith Wallerstein and Julia Lewis have also studied the impact of divorce on children over a 25-year period. This study followed the effect divorce had on 60 middle-class and upper-middle-class families in Marin County, California. One-half of the children studied became deeply involved with drugs and alcohol. Many became sexually promiscuous. Twenty-six of the children were between the ages of 2 and 6 when their parents divorced; these experienced the greatest damage. They were the most vulnerable, and they spent the most time living in the uncertainty of the fallout. Archibald Hart, Ph.D., former dean of the Fuller School of Psychology, reflects that children recover more quickly, completely, and effectively from the traumatic death of a parent than they do from the ongoing impact of the ever-present, "unfinishable" business of divorce. 

Divorce costs, and it is not final. Emotional reactions and responses leave lasting scars. Divorce typically violates one's very own value system. As a pastor, it is important to know what you are up against as you counsel those caught in the throes of divorce.

Jonathan M. Olford, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist at Link Care Center, Fresno, California.