Table of Contents

FAMILY MATTERS

The PK Syndrome

By Robb Dunham

Preacher’s Kid…Pastor’s Kid…PK. These words can strike terror into the hearts of children’s pastors, youth pastors, Sunday school teachers, and children’s workers. "I’ve got the PK in my class, so you know what that means."

Many pastors’ kids inherit a bad reputation before they even have the opportunity to demonstrate a specific behavior pattern, good or bad. It is assumed that PKs are the worst kids in church. Unfortunately, this assumption is sometimes justified.

Pastors respond to these comments about their children by saying, "It’s because my children are forced to live their lives in a fishbowl; everybody can see and judge their behavior. Their privacy is violated. My kid’s behavior is no better or worse than any other healthy, normal child."

Other pastors try to ignore their children’s behavior, choosing the ivory tower attitude. "I’m too busy to be bothered with mundane things such as my child acting up in children’s church." Some are so embarrassed they become publicly humiliated and hide in their office, committee meetings, or the golf course.

It is a challenge to raise a family in the public eye. Sometimes our kids demonstrate negative behavior, and it brings a form of shame to our ministry. How we respond makes all the difference in the world—and in what we are modeling for the child-raising parents of our congregations.

Through observations made in over 22 years of children’s ministry, my wife and I have found that when young children act up in public, it is usually because they are experiencing a lack of love and attention in the home. PKs and their parents have experienced these problems since Bible times. Read between the lines when studying the accounts of Absalom and David (2 Samuel 18:33), or Hophni and Phinehas and their dad, Eli the priest (1 Samuel 2:12–34). Think about the lack of child raising that brought about such tragedies. We have all seen the fallout in our day: The pastor whose grown daughter calls every weekend in a drunken stupor; the district official who, unable to sleep, goes out to a lonely field late at night and cries out to God for the life of his drug-dealing child.

There can be no doubt—our children require a great deal of love and attention from us, and often we feel the demands of church and ministry are overwhelming. Some pastoral families have dual-working parents; some pastors’ wives are also employed by the church. Church committees, ministry programs, and church office work take her time. How can we strike the balance between home and church that we advocate from our pulpits?

Perhaps taking a different approach will help. Most of us would agree that our children are on loan to us by God. They are not our possessions; we do not own them. We are to invest in them, and then disburse them into the kingdom of God. Like Jesus’ parable of the profitable and unprofitable servants, we are to invest that which He has entrusted to us for the growth and blessing of the Kingdom.

Our children are searching for love and attention. This means spending time with our children. The investment of time with our children pays rich and long-lasting dividends. When we are convinced that the investment of time in our children will pay these dividends—peace, joy, harmony, and clarity—we will take the steps necessary to achieve it.

You have probably heard the formula that lists the priorities for our lives: God first, family second, and church third. All three comprise the ministry of our lives. All three are intimately intertwined. We minister to the Lord; we minister to our family; and we minister to the body of Christ. Church ministry is an extension of our ministry with our family.

We need to ask ourselves the penetrating question, What good is a successful megachurch ministry if I lose my own child? How many children, teens, and adults harbor deep resentments because the church stole their pastor-parent’s time from them? The results are devastating. An old truth bears repeating: I have yet to hear ministers on their deathbed regret they did not spend enough time in the office. But they do regret spending too little time with their children. Is it possible that with proper priorities we can have God’s blessing on both home and church?

Many churches understand the value their pastoral staff place on keeping family times a high priority. Some pastors schedule one evening each week without any church activities or meetings, and hold that night sacred. Many churches are insisting that unless there is a true emergency, the pastoral staff is not to be called on their day off, and they are not to show up at the office or call in. Other churches allow their pastoral staff to attend special family activities during normal business hours of the church. They realize special times between parents and children don’t always come at the convenience of church schedules. If they love their pastoral staff, churches are wise to invest time in them.

Dividends are paid back to the church that cares for their pastoral staff—added richness and depth to their ministry, longevity (which saves the church money), joy, and greater productivity. The congregation that is blessed with pastoral staff having these qualities will reflect them, and will grow in an infectious way. An added benefit is that the pastor’s children are more likely to grow up as well-adjusted adults serving in our congregations. Others who observe these healthy pastor/family relationships will want the same in their own family. And a legacy is handed down to the next generation. No more PK syndrome.