Table of Contents

Inside the Pastoral Marriage

By Raymond T. Brock

A primary method of presenting the gospel of Jesus Christ to the world is through the marriage of a pastoral couple. Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:32 that Christian marriage was designed by God to reveal to the world the mysterious relationship between Christ and the Church. No marriage in the congregation is more important than the pastoral marriage in communicating this message—not only to believers, but to unbelievers as well.

CREATED FOR RELATIONSHIPS

Solomon discovered a truth that is as real today as it was 3,000 years ago: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22*). In addition, he emphasized the importance of monogamy in marriage (Proverbs 5:18–23; Ecclesiastes 9:9), and David extolled the joys of having children who are the product of love in the marital relationship (Psalm 127:5). The Bible begins by telling us that God in relationship—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—created man and woman to live in relationship with each other and with Him (Genesis 1:26,27). Both reflected the glory of God. Man was created first (Genesis 2:7), followed by the woman who was taken from the side of the man (Genesis 2:21–23). Woman was created because God declared: " ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him [a helper to meet his needs]’ " (Genesis 2:18).

What need did Adam have that he could not handle in the Garden of Eden? Loneliness. Loneliness was the first emotion Adam had that he could not handle. This does not mean that every adult must be married, but it does encourage marriage, especially for pastors.

Even though God came in the cool of the evening to converse with Adam, he needed someone like himself—another human being—with whom to communicate during the day. Woman was not created to be a sex object; rather, she was created to be a nurturing listener and active communicator.

MODELING MARRIAGE FOR THE CONGREGATION

There are many ways of ministering to a congregation and community. None, however, is more effective than the pastoral marriage that exemplifies to the world the mystical relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:29–33). Paul gives the divine order of relationships in a Christian marriage. In Ephesians 5:21, the husband and wife are commanded to be mutually submissive to each other. In the rest of the chapter the husband is enjoined to initiate love to his wife and she is to submit (respond) voluntarily to his love.

The Christian husband (pastor or layman) is to love his wife as much as Christ loved the Church, extending to her the last ounce of blood and the last burst of energy if necessary. He is to give her all the privileges (material and temporal) he takes for himself (Ephesians 5:23–29). The Greek word for love in these passages is agape, which Donald M. Joy describes as " ‘targeted affection,’ in which the person deliberately chooses whom to love. This is why only agape can be commanded. All other loves, eros, philia, and storge, are spontaneous and situated in the context of particular relationships."¹ As "head of the wife" (Ephesians 5:23), what does a Christian husband do? In the human anatomy, the head performs four functions: sensation, perception, cognition, and communication:

Sensation is the first function of headship. In marriage, the husband is to be sensitive to the needs of the "body" (wife and children), which means they must keep him apprised of what is going on in the family. This means no conspiracy of silence or collusion between the mother and children to keep secrets from the husband/father.

Perception involves understanding the sensations received from the body and putting them into proper perspective. Information from past experiences, current circumstances, and possible outcomes in the future are brought into focus. Then the husband has the information he needs to make a decision.

Cognition is the process of making a decision for the benefit of the family. The husband does not make decisions for his own comfort or convenience. His decisions are made for the benefit of his wife and the family.

Communication completes the cycle. Having responded to the sensations and perceptions necessary for cognition, the husband then communicates to the wife and children what he believes is most appropriate for the family.

Just as the husband, as the head in Christian marriage, is the initiator of love, so the wife is to submit or respond voluntarily and spontaneously with love to those initiatives of her husband. She becomes the recipient of the benefits derived from God’s divine order of relationships. This submission is not to be forced, faked, or passive; it is to be voluntarily as unto the Lord. So Paul concludes the matter: "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). It is interesting that God commanded children to obey their parents and to honor them. But where do children learn honor? From parents who are honorable. And what is the promise to the children who honor their parents? Long life.

DEVELOPING INTIMACY

Intimacy begins in dating, develops during courtship, matures in engagement, but does not become complete until marriage.²

Geographical intimacy begins as a young couple considers the influence their geographical heritage has on their marital expectations. Dating allows them to examine these differences and to consider what changes will need to be made before they "leave" and "cleave" as commanded in Genesis 2:24.

Recreational intimacy develops as hobbies, recreations, and leisure-time activities are explored. The more the couples have in common in their dating, the easier it will be for them to enjoy their leisure time in their later years.

Intellectual intimacy involves the blending of two mental worlds in which the couple learn how to respect each other’s intellectual gifts and discover how to share good books, literature, and poetry.

Aesthetic intimacy is the ability to share the world of beauty with its symmetry and form and allows the couple to share the world of art, music, and nature.

Emotional intimacy develops as the courting couple shares feelings on a deep level and develop trust. They learn to laugh together as well as communicate honestly when sad, angry, or disappointed.

Spiritual intimacy continues to develop in courtship as the young couple read the Bible together, pray together, attend church together, and become involved in active Christian service activities. Both must be committed to God as the organizing basis of their relationship and to His Word for establishing their priorities, especially in any disagreements.

Financial intimacy comes as the courting or engaged couple learn to delay gratification and not buy impulsively, taking responsibility for their spending behavior. They must remember they are working for God.

Task intimacy involves discussing individual strengths and weaknesses in pastoral activities. This also includes the division of labor at home so the wife is not expected to be involved full time at church and still be in charge of all domestic and disciplinary responsibilities at home. The husband must assume his fair share of the household tasks.

Commitment intimacy grows out of sharing values and making a commitment to each other before God to maintain open communication in all dimensions of their marriage, especially in times of crisis.

Physical intimacy matures in marriage as the couple become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:23,24). They reach the purest form of intimacy when body, soul, and spirit are united in sexual intercourse in the presence of God (Genesis 2:24; 1 Corinthians 6:17; Hebrews 13:4). At this time they are able to communicate their love in a way that no words can convey. Sex in marriage is like the obbligato in a symphony—not the melody or the harmony—just the grace notes that embellish the composition.³

PREVENTING AFFAIRS IN MARRIAGE

In the closing decades of the 20th century, sexual affairs involving ministers increased precipitously. As a counselor I have observed several major causes of unfaithfulness among pastors. Alertness of the pastoral couple to these excuses can go a long way in avoiding marital affairs.⁴

Causes of Affairs

Invulnerability. As one pastor put it, "I began to feel I was an exception, that what I could censure in others, I could justify for myself." Another version of this excuse: "I began to believe what my people were saying about me as a person who could do no wrong."

Gullibility. David Augsburger reports a pastor’s confession: "My counselee told me, ‘If you really cared for me, you’d hold me.’ So since caring is the essence of pastoral care, we held each other. Then we decided that much more caring was needed by us both."⁵

Warped theology. One pastor confessed having an affair with a member in his church, explaining, "After we finished making love, we both knelt beside the bed and asked God to forgive us. We knew His grace was sufficient to take care of us until the next time we got back together." Unhappy marriage—this is an age-old excuse: "My marriage is unhappy; my wife is not a good lover. Since God is good and wants me happy, it follows that I should find someone else." A survey made by Christianity Today discovered that only about 10 percent of the responding pastors had sought professional counseling for their sexual temptations before acting on them.

Just friends. Relationships that develop beyond the limits of friendship lead to affairs. As one pastor put it, "We were just good friends. I needed someone to talk to, and she was a good listener." This frequently involves a staff member or someone who works near the pastoral office.⁶

We fell in love. This is a take-off on the David and Bathsheba story (2 Samuel 11). As one pastor put it, "I don’t know what happened. It was just the right chemistry, I guess. We fell in love. We couldn’t help ourselves." This illustrates what we have learned from experience—falling is an unstable position. David could have checked his fall; so can we.

SUMMARY

The purpose of marriage for pastors is not only to enjoy an intimate, loving relationship with a person of the opposite sex and to produce children. It is also to demonstrate to the world the mystical relationship between Christ and the Church. Christian marriage is a fulfillment of the purposes of creation. But the couple in pastoral ministry is wise to be alert to the potential of sexual affairs—an occupational hazard of people in helping relationships who live public lives under moral scrutiny.

*Scripture quotations are from the New International Version.

ENDNOTES

1. Donald M. Joy, Bonding: Relationships in the Image of God (Dallas: Word Books, 1985), 59.

2. Raymond T. Brock, Parenting the Elementary Child (Springfield, Mo.: Gospel Publishing House, 1995), ch. 6 passim.

3. Dwight H. Small, Christian: Celebrate Your Sexuality (Old Tappan, N.J.: Fleming H. Revell Co., 1976).

4. Raymond T. Brock, "The Deception of Affairs," Pentecostal Evangel, 24 April 1988, 6, 7, 15; Raymond T. Brock and Horace C. Lukens, Jr., "Affair Prevention in the Ministry," Journal of Psychology and Christianity 8, no. 4 (1989): 44–55.

5. David Augsburger, "The Private Lives of Public Leaders," Christianity Today 31, no. 17 (1987): 23.

6. Tim Stafford, "Great Sex: Reclaiming a Christian Sexual Ethic," Christianity Today 39, no. 14 (1987): 31, 45. Page 45 shows the following: Have you ever sought professional counseling for sexual temptation? Laypersons: Yes, 7 percent, No, 93 percent; Pastors: Yes, 10 percent, No, 90 percent. (Source: CTI Research.)

Raymond T. Brock. Tulsa, Oklahoma, is visiting professor of counseling and psychology at the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary, Springfield, Missouri. This article is abridged from The Pentecostal Pastor: A Mandate for the 21st Century (Springfield, Mo.: Gospel Publishing House, 1997) and used by permission.