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Interview With Gary Smalley

Strengtheing Ministry Marriages

No marriage in the congregation is more important than the pastoral marriage. It is viewed as the model upon which all marriages are based. However, the impact of ministry stress is tearing some pastoral marriages apart. No other tragedy in the ministry carries as much pain and distress as a failed ministry marriage. The personal and professional consequences of a failed pastoral marriage are enormous. Unlike any other profession, when the minister’s marriage goes bad, there is the immediate loss of respect, position, and sustenance—the stakes are high.

Gary Smalley, president of the Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri, offers practical ideas and encouragement to ministry couples that will help to strengthen their marriages and effectiveness in ministry.

WHAT TRENDS ARE YOU SEEING IN MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES THAT PASTORS NEED TO KNOW?

SMALLEY: I am very excited about some trends I see occurring in our country. There are movements in various parts of the nation to legislate ways to motivate couples to receive training before marriage and before having children. One suggested motivation for training is to charge less for a marriage license if a couple receives premarital counseling. Silver Dollar City in Branson, Missouri, has a not-for-profit foundation funding a program to train couples in marriage and parenting. Another exciting movement sweeping the country is called Smart Marriages®. These conferences are designed to train couples to minister to other couples.

On the other side of the coin is the continual deterioration of the family, the high divorce rate, and blended families. In blended families, the divorce rate is even higher for second and third marriages. For those of us involved in strengthening marriages, we have challenges all around us. In the next 10 years, though, there will be some major changes in America with regard to providing training for couples and parents. We are developing these skills right now and are getting ready to teach them on a regular basis.

DESCRIBE HOW THE FIVE LEVELS OF INTIMATE COMMUNICATION CAN HELP TO STRENGTHEN PASTORAL MARRIAGES?

SMALLEY: Gary Oliver, Th.M., Ph.D., executive director of The Center for Marriage and Family Studies and professor of psychology and practical theology at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas, has helped us define the five levels of intimate communication that all couples go through every day. In the first level, a couple simply tries to avoid each other. When they do speak, it is usually shallow conversation or exchanging clichés such as:

"How are you doing?"

"I’m fine."

"Please pass the salt."

At this level there is no discussion about life or each other.

During level two, a couple shares basic facts about themselves or life in general:

"It sure was hot today, wasn’t it?"

"Can you believe what the President did today?"

There is little risk in starting an argument at this level.

At level three, the couple shares their opinions, concerns, or expectations. There is a greater risk of starting an argument at this level. They may say things such as:

"You never listen to me."

"You’re wrong and you know it."

If a couple has not learned how to handle arguments at this stage, they are at risk of developing one or all of the four factors that cause divorce.

Couples achieve the fourth level when they feel they are safe to share their deepest feelings and will treat each other’s feelings as valuable. At this level, each person is open, honest, and accepts responsibility for his or her feelings. Communication may include this:

"Tell me if this is right; you feel afraid for our daughter because she is getting her driver’s license."

"It’s not that you mind me watching TV; it’s that you feel cheated that we don’t spend more time together."

In this atmosphere of honor, the listener trys to understand and validate what is being communicated. When we share our feelings, it reflects our deepest relational need. Conflicts usually reveal that a person’s feelings and needs are not being understood, validated, or fulfilled.

At the fifth level, a person feels safe to share his or her deepest needs and knows that these needs will be understood and valued. One spouse might respond like this: "See if this is right. You need some time alone at night after work, and it’s not that you don’t want time with me; you simply need to recoup."

Since feelings reflect whether a person’s needs are being met, a couple can honor each other as they move through the fourth level (feelings) into the fifth level (needs). Honoring involves being sensitive to the other’s expressions and asking the offended person to share his or her needs.

If pastors and their wives stay at levels one and two, there will be little mutual satisfaction and joy in their relationship. At the third level of intimacy, there may be what I call four relational germs that take place during an argument: withdrawal, escalating the argument, invalidating each other, and having exaggerated or false beliefs about a mate. These germs can cause infection and lead to divorce.

In our program, we teach three "love skills" that help a couple move into the fourth and fifth levels of intimacy. These "love skills" act like an antibiotic, killing divorce germs. We are training facilitators to teach these three skills. I also have a video we use in our seminars throughout the country.

WHAT ARE THESE THREE "LOVE SKILLS" AND HOW DO THEY WORK?

SMALLEY: The first love skill is the skill of honor. It is the biggest antibiotic against divorce. Honoring is considering your mate more valuable than yourself. If a person communicates superiority to his or her mate, it can kill a marriage. John Gottman, Ph.D., cofounder of the Gottman Institute Inc., a Seattle, Washington, based marriage and family organization, calls this type of behavior contempt. Gottman says he can predict divorce with 100 percent accuracy if a person does not honor his or her mate. I call this type of behavior dishonor, a violation of Philippians 2.

We teach three steps in honoring a person. First, recognize your mate as valuable, important, and autographed by God. Second, list all the things you treasure, admire, and appreciate about your mate, and review the list from time to time. Reviewing sets a rock-solid foundation to your marriage and gives you the energy to repair whatever is damaged after a conflict. The third aspect of honoring is to show or express ways you appreciate your mate, without embarrassing him or her. For example, tell your children or friends how important your mate is to you. That’s honor, the most important skill. In many cases, it’s the only skill a couple needs. Honoring can also be applied to children and friends.

Experts say it doesn’t matter how much you love each other, how committed you are, or even how religious, faithful, or active you are in the church—divorces still take place. George Barna says the divorce rate in the church today is 3 percent higher than in the world. Love, commitment, and faith are obviously important, but how well they argue determines whether a couple stays in love and has longevity in their marriage. Remembering that your mate’s opinions, concerns, ideas, and thinking are more important than yours will help you argue with honor rather than with anger. This is why couples need to use the second love skill—what I call the drive-through listening skill.

This second love skill is based on James 1:19,20, "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." These drive-through listening skills are LUV—listening, understanding, and validation. This is similar to what happens at a drive-through restaurant.

In a drive-through restaurant, after you have placed your order, the employee repeats your order. You can then acknowledge whether the order is correct or not. In this second love skill, you first listen carefully to your mate. Next, to understand your mate, ask yourself, "What is my mate saying?" This may mean repeating what your spouse has said to clarify any misunderstanding. When you do this, you may be astonished by your mate’s uniqueness. The last step—validation—means you have understood your mate and you acknowledge his or her opinions as valuable, even if you do not agree. At this point the couple can begin to discuss solutions, determining what would benefit both of them.

My wife and I have done this for the last 5 years, and there is no issue we believe we can’t talk about; or if we can’t, we go to a close friend or two and use the same method in front of them and it works. We call it our 911 group. It works miraculously.

The third key skill is love-charging your mate’s battery. Picture yourself as a battery with jumper cables. Symbolically attach them to your mate for 20 minutes a day at different times—a minute here, 2 minutes there, 30 seconds here—as you nurture or charge your mate’s main-need battery. Some people have one or two predominant needs, and others have all seven of these needs.

We have discovered that arguments in a marriage are the result of somebody’s needs not being met, or they perceive that their needs won’t be met. Arguments can cause the germs that infect or break up families. If I know my mate’s needs, and God gives me the strength to understand and meet those needs, our arguments will be cut to almost nothing.

We surveyed 5,000 marriages around the country and found consistently seven needs that kept emerging. We included these top seven needs in our program.

AS YOU DEFINE NEEDS IN A MARRIAGE, WHAT ARE SOME THAT ARE PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT TO PASTORAL MARRIAGES?

SMALLEY: There are seven needs that are important in marriages, especially pastoral marriages. They are: a mutual commitment to maintain a vibrant relationship with Christ; a mutual commitment to stay together and work at resolving conflicts; the need to have verbal and physical tenderness from one’s mate; connectedness—doing things together (a man’s big need), or talking together (a woman’s big need); agreement or inclusion in the decisions that affect both partners in a marriage; acceptance of one spouse by the other for who he or she is and his or her thoughts, opinions, and feelings; and the need to feel the other mate is being honest and trustworthy.

My wife and I are aware of each other’s needs and minister to each other throughout the day. She ministers much better to me than I do to her. This morning, because I left the house a little after my wife, I washed my breakfast dishes. For her, it’s important to come home to an orderly kitchen. My wife needs order; so, I honored, respected, and nurtured her by washing my breakfast dishes.