| Return |

I Disagree With My Husband

By Gabriele Rienas

Enrichment Journal, spring 2008

Q: My husband and I are troubled because our son seems to be rejecting our faith. We have been in full-time ministry since he was born, and he has always been enthusiastic and involved in church activities. Since adolescence, he has become increasingly distant and hostile toward us, his required church attendance, and church people in general. When we try to talk with him about these issues, he becomes angry and withdraws. We are worried about his mysterious behaviors. What can we do?

A:It is incredibly difficult for Christian parents to observe their child as he wrestles with faith and values in a battle for his soul, especially when we seem to be losing ground. The pain is compounded when you have committed to full-time ministry and have continually prayed for God's protection and blessing on your children. As your faith is tested, many unanswered questions emerge. Unfortunately, there are no quick answers or easy solutions.

While parents are responsible for raising their children in loving and biblical ways, each person must work out his own salvation. Parents often take too much responsibility for the outcomes of their children. Where did we go wrong? seems to be the ever-present question when a child wanders from faith. It is true that parents are responsible for loving, teaching, nurturing, and correcting. In the end, however, our children will answer to God for their own choices.

Adolescents will question their faith. In fact, they need to. Since adolescence is a time of defining personhood, they must push away from their parents and move toward defining themselves. They must take ownership of a personal faith and decide what values will define their lives. Children will push away at varying intensities depending on their personalities, determination, and the amount of resistance they meet.

Prayer is the one resource always at your disposal. Scripture reminds us of the power of bringing our petitions before God. No one's heart is beyond the reach of the Holy Spirit. Prayer will also help you learn to let go rather than trying to control your children's future. In communion with the Lord, He will remind you to release your child to Him. He can make himself known to anyone in any situation.

There are, however, some things a parent can explore and examine. Ask, Why is my child resisting what we have taught him? If there is a reasonable explanation, perhaps there is a reasonable solution. Have people or situations in the church hurt him? Does he feel the expectations others have for him are too high or unattainable? Has there been a specific turning point, such as a major church conflict or upheaval in the family? In these cases, family dialogue and honest communication are important. Give your child a chance to express himself freely and validate his feelings. Most adolescents complain that parents do not listen well. Choose to speak less and listen more.

It may be difficult to face, but some ministry children feel resentful toward either one or both parents because of their ministry involvement. They may also become resentful when exposed to the details of church drama and conflict. Have they felt neglected, unimportant, and marginalized? Do they feel that members of the congregation have mistreated their parents?

If any of these are true, discuss them with your teen. If you have contributed in some way to your child's anguish, an honest acknowledgment, a sincere apology, and a change in behavior are important. If you need outside assistance, seek help through counseling or advice from trusted confidants.

Find opportunities to spend time with your child without bringing up conflicts. When tense issues become the topic of every interaction, the atmosphere can become unpleasant and strained. Either parent can initiate one-on-one time, making it pleasant, safe, and fun. Give undivided attention to your teen and his legitimate interests. Listen carefully to spoken and unspoken words; draw him out by asking questions. In a relaxed setting, answers might come concerning what is prompting your child toward the choices he is making.

At times, parents may need to use drastic responses to combat destructive choices. If an older adolescent sets this course, tough love becomes important and crucial. Hold him accountable for his actions. You will need a great deal of support as well as objective input in this situation.

A child is an incredible gift from God. We gratefully receive our children from His hand. We love, nurture, and teach our children about God's love so we may release these gifts back to Him. Even as we realize that our responsibility is fragile and fleeting, we also realize that God is ultimately in charge of our children's lives and future.

• home
• about us
• resources
• women in ministry
• faq
• past themes
• contact us